by Amber, Matrix Reimprinting Fan and Stubborn Demonstration Client
It has been about a month and a half since my 7 day whirlwind experience in Florida with the EFT and Matrix Reimprinting Classes. As if that were not enough, I promptly followed that trip with the “I Can Do It” Conference in Vancouver. Since the middle of March, I have gone nowhere, and have allowed myself to recharge, rejuvenate, and focus on my day job of being a high school teacher. However, I have continued to read, recently being exposed to Jiddu Krishnamurti, as well as to conduct Matrix Reimprinting/Rebirthing Sessions with various close friends. I have also been listening to the Webinars, as well as “playing” with some of my own Echos in the Matrix.
I give all this background information for a reason. Something profound happened to me in Florida. It started with volunteering to be a demo for Karin Davidson with an “easy” Echo to show the process. We worked on loneliness. I don’t remember much of the session itself, but I do remember her asking me how long I had felt this loneliness. I replied that ever since I remembered, I had always had this loneliness. She asked if it came from before birth, and I said yes, and then she asked me to give an age from conception to 9 months. I said that I didn’t know, and she asked me to give whatever number popped in my mind and “2” came out. She smiled as this obviously meant something to her but nothing to me. She looked at Sharon King who was sitting in the back and said, “She needs Soul Reconnection” – whatever that was. We continued with the session and imprinted a beautiful image of present Amber and Echo Amber sitting arm in arm on a beach – happy with each other and not lonely.
Fast-forward a few days to the Matrix Rebirthing and Life Purpose Workshop with Sharon King. I remember very vividly reading the slide for the Soul Reconnection, and I started to cry, as I totally resonated and saw myself in that description:
A feeling of one of the following
never really connect with your “higher self”
you feel like “fate” controls your life
you never really have control over you own life
you take your body for granted – it’s there to house your life purpose.
That was me – even though I didn’t want to admit it – especially the last one. Karin went up, and spoke briefly on the slide, asked for volunteers, and then looked at me and called me up – remember she felt from the first demo that this could help. She didn’t know it, but I really didn’t want to go up – but I was anxious to get rid of this nagging sense of always being in a war with my body and so agreed.
I would like to explain here that I have spent my whole life split in half. I always identified very strongly with my mind, and my soul; my body – well, it was just along for the ride, and as a result, I treated myself horribly. I pushed myself mercilessly in athletics, and it was just a given that my body would do what I demanded of it without question. Of course, I struggled with my weight, and alternated between indulging and denying myself everything and anything, not to mention forcing myself to do things I didn’t want to do. Suffice to say that I had never felt at home in my own skin – but having nothing to compare it to, I thought this was normal. As I sat up there with Karin, I was overcome with the shame and sadness about how horribly I had treated my body: going from no exercise to 2 hours a day of exercise; eating healthy to eating crap; eating nothing to eating everything. And I haven’t even mentioned the total and utter loathing and hatred I felt for my body – how I despised my “thunder thighs,” and agonized over my weight; how I hated what I saw in the mirror. Everything was wrong with how I looked, and I always felt very unattractive as a result.
I would also like to add that sometime during the past few months, I had also realized that I was an emotional eater who ate to fill the void of being lonely, as well as to give myself love. Somehow in my mixed-up mind, food gave me the support and unconditional love that I felt I never got in my childhood. From a rational point of view, this was ridiculous, as I had two parents who loved me very much, and it would hurt them to know that I felt so unloved. Yet, my inner child, or one of my Echos, basically told me that she just wanted love, but somehow food had become a good substitute! I would walk around the house in the evenings with a sense of “dis-ease” looking for whatever food – peanut butter, fruit, chocolate, raw cookie dough – ANYTHING that would fill me up and make the empty feeling go away. After these mini binges, I would be struck with guilt, shame, and total and utter self-loathing, and I was always so envious of skinny people who did not have to go through this garbage.
This was all the baggage I carried up with me to Karin, baggage which I was very anxious to get rid of. So I plunked myself down, part of me very unwilling and part of me excited to “get ‘er done!” What I discovered was that my pattern of “forcing” DID NOT WORK in this instance. I begged, pleaded, and even threatened my “baby Amber Echo” (well, actually my two month old embryo Echo) to hurry up this process. I remember being horrified that I was being such a stubborn demo, and that Karin was going to lose patience with me. I also remember wanting desperately to fake the reconnection and bolt – anything to avoid facing myself and that 2 month old Echo who was NOT very happy with me. To me, it seemed Karin tried EVERYTHING, and my frustration and embarrassment grew until she finally told the now me (Matrix me) to go and stand in the “corner” of my mother’s womb, sit down, and shut up. I swear my Echo laughed at this moment – when she deigned to give me the time of day. She knew who I was, and basically, she was SUPER PISSED at me, and this was her chance to let me have it. I also swear she gave me the finger at some point! Meanwhile, present day-demo Amber was dying of mortification, praying for anything to hurrying up this process. And that was when I finally realized that my Echo was treating me the way I had been treating my body, and MYSELF for the past 34 years: never listening, never paying attention, and always forcing myself to do things I didn’t want to do. And so the Matrix Amber sat down, shut up, and watched – and STOPPED TRYING TO FORCE THE SITUATION in the way I wanted it to go, and stopped trying to force myself to do something I didn’t want to do. And no, this was NOT a pattern I recognized AT ALL in my life! I knew at that moment that something profound had happened, and even now I have a hard time explaining it or even understanding it. It was the start of something very beautiful which I continue to see unfolding in my life today.
Fast-forward almost a month and half to April 9th as I write this. First of all, I would like to thank everyone who held the space – who watched patiently as I struggled and railed against myself. I would also like to thank Karin who didn’t let me run away, although I so desperately wanted to, and thank you to Sharon for introducing me to the Matrix Soul Purpose and Soul Reconnection. So where am I now? Well, I have had numerous friends and colleagues comment on how different I look, how I radiate and glow, and they ask me what I have been doing. My energy friends have also noticed that my energy is more settled and peaceful. For the first time in my life, I feel safe and comfortable in my own skin. And I have continued to grow: I have done several profound Matrix Sessions on myself, and I think I am on about day 100 of the Matrix Reimprinting Field Clearing Technique. I do about 30 days, and then start on something new. Suffice to say, I have focused on love and appreciation for my body, treating my body well, and listening to my body. I am now on to celebrating my body. I don’t feel split anymore, and I feel more in harmony with myself. The urge to wander around and eat is no longer there – which still kind of amazes me, and I have to admit that I still look for it – after all, it has been a lifetime companion! I don’t always make the best choices about what I eat, but I am present and appreciative (most of the time) about what I eat. AND the ability to ignore and override my body and binge when I am not hungry is no longer there. I eat when I am hungry – and yes, sometimes it is a bit of chocolate but I SAVOUR it! When I try to eat when I am not hungry, I am just not interested and end up putting the food down. I have also started a “Course in Weightloss”, which to me is another method to help me face my “dark” side – which also gives me a place to go in the Matrix, and helps me find and identify appropriate Echos to work with. I truly believe that all of this started with the Soul Reconnection. I know I tend to devote a lot of time and energy into my personal development, so who knows, perhaps I would have ended up here anyways, but I do know that the process has been much easier since the Soul Reconnection. I continue to learn and grow, and it doesn’t seem so hard. I have also stopped forcing myself to do things I don’t want to, which means I have become a little bit of a hermit recently, but I have spent my whole life forcing myself and my body that it feels appropriate to slow down and give myself time to enjoy life. I find myself sitting and listening to classical music as a form of meditation and visualization, and perhaps I don’t accomplish as much as I used to, but I am a lot more content and settled. It feels nice, and even a tad decadent to sit and savour quiet moments as I do now. I don’t feel the need to be on the go all the time, and I have actually found myself to be quite pleasant company :-) Lastly, I am able to look in the mirror, and maybe I don’t totally love what I see, and I know that I am not my ideal weight yet, but I accept myself and my body, I celebrate myself and my body, and daresay, I even like myself and my body. And for that, I am truly grateful. – Amber